Halfway through my summer holidays and I feel like I dread this question a lot... I can already imagine it once uni starts my classmates, friends, family, tutors, and strangers would ask,
"What have you been doing for summer?" or variations of the same question.
And this intense pang of guilt would hit me. Even before summer holidays started, I already had this scene in my head.
It's this freedom which forces me to find ways to best make use of it. What should I do? I got all this time to do whatever the fuck I want. However, the things I do today would eventually affect who I become tomorrow.
Should I get a summer job to save some money for future moves to new cities? Should I make use of my overseas study experience and do some travelling? Should I intern at a reputable company, forming the very basics of a reputable CV, thereby setting the path of my future career? So many choices and planning, much annoyance...
Simply said, all these decisions could possibly make a great deal out of my future. I then question myself... Why do I feel this way? Where is all these pressure coming from?
The pressure can be simplified to three main sources; friends, family and future.
It's terribly hard not to compare yourself with the people around you, especially with the people you hang out with. I mean, typical conversation among your mates would be like,
Friend A: "So, what are you planning to do this summer?"
Friend B: "I'm going to intern at this magazine place. Heard of *insert new indie magazine that has amazing Instagram feed*? They are getting big! Think it'll look nice on my CV, plus making networks... What about you?"
Friend A: "Going back home. I miss the food... my boyfriend and family! :( :( :( Maybe get a part-time while I'm back. :P"
Me: *keeps quiet and listens while internally fidgeting about my summer plans*
See what I mean? Perhaps the lack of a concrete goal does not allow me to be directed in the path I want to take. My mind spins, dashing to my friends' individual plans, it seems like everything would make a pretty-okay suggestion but....
Do I want to work in a editorial company? No.
Then, is there some company you want to or feel passionate about? No... maybe... I don't know?
Okay... Do you want to go back home? No, it's too hot and I don't miss the food and I can always Skype my mom but I don't feel the intense need to go back home...
Sure, then what about getting a part-time job, you can get some MO! No.
And then I just feel so meh, because I don't know what I want. Yet the pressure from my friends' productive plans just puts a little load on me.
On the mention on my mom, I must admit, I do miss my family and I Skype them once (or maybe twice) a week to see how they are doing. At the same time, they would be interested in what I have been up to or my plans in general. Inevitably, since summer is a longer stretch of break (comparably, to the weekends) they like to know what would I be doing and all that.
Mom: "What are you going to do for summer?"
Me: "I don't know..."
Mom: "Okay, then how are you going to spend the time?"
Me: "I don't know... How's Brandy (our dog)"
Mom: "Sure if you don't want to. But you should think of next year, I mean, it's your final year and you are graduating."
Bam! *Beep beep beep* A truck dumps another load of pressure into the bucket of 'plans for summer'. What is happening? Isn't summer holidays suppose to feel free and a stress-free period?
It will happen and it constantly changes. The future is mind-blowing to me in so many ways!
Maybe it's because we know it's going to come, and not knowing how it's going to turn out makes it nerve-wrecking and maybe even a little scary. This would eventually drive pressure. Among all the three 'F's, I think this is the strongest source for me.
The future seems so bright yet dull at the same time. As off what is happening around the world, it is not looking great. Yet it's this power of change which is in my hands makes the whole thing brighter... you know, hope? Everything feels uncertain. How do people start adulthood? Is there even such a thing?
And these is how I found summer holidays stressful. Somehow, I have lived through half of it and I actually don't feel so bad and useless... Let me continue to share why and what I have done the next part (because I am lazy to type now and its dinner time!) :P